Exclusive: Tottenham plan to put a retractable roof on new stadium

Gooner spy Mimi M forwarded us this artist’s impression of the new stadium being planned by Tottenham Hopeless.

As you can see from our sneak peek at the ground, the stadium involves a revolutionary design that completely encapsulates the Spuds’ ethos – piss poor players and shit fans. Rumours that Andrex will become the new team sponsor could not be confirmed, but it is understood that current sponsor Mansion is keen to break its deal, as associating gambling with losers is not a great strategy.

Daniel Levy and his fellow board members must be flush with cash if they’re gonna push ahead with their controversial plan, but as the photo shows, the location of the new ground, in the middle of nowhere, will make it a lot easier to get there on match day than it is travelling to Light Weight Lane at the moment.

The capacity for the new ground will be somewhere in the region of 50,000 as the Spuds board believe they can attract thousands of away fans to the ground due to the fact that their non existent defence guarantees goals for the visitng team. However, there will be no children’s tickets available at the new stadium as consultants have advised Tottenham that there is no point – their failure to win any trophies this century means they have failed to attract any new fans.

So what we’d like to know is what you’d call the new home of piss poor football?